10 Months Sober: It Is Well With My Soul

I haven’t blogged in a while. A series of unfortunate meant-to-be events have halted work on the Tiny House for the time being. We are changing projects, and possibly careers, relocating again, and making even more of these terrifying real-world decisions. It has me petrified. Why didn’t we learn more about all of this in school? I have yet to use calculus in any real life application…a lesson on how to make great garage sale signs or an in-depth study of the IRS would have been more useful at this point.

In the midst of all of this change, continuing to blog has again seemed pointless.  What I am thinking, and what I have to say, is gloomy and not uplifting. It is stress, and groaning and confusion. It is without direction. It is not helpful to anyone. These are not the pretty things people want to be reminded of…certainly not while thumbing through Facebook or reading a blog. My struggle will not teach you how to downsize your own problems, or install a compost toilet. These struggles are senseless; the transitioning, futile. 

AND  I THOUGHT WE HAD THIS ALL FIGURED OUT?!

But this is reality, and God does not waste hardships – instead He uses them to teach lessons, ignite a change, and bring us closer to Him. Purpose exists.

I suppose it’s worth it to say, that because it is not on social media, I have been pretending this period in our life is non-existent. These struggles are not being blogged about, not being acknowledged on Facebook or Instagram. There is no hashtag for my shit. (If there was, it would be #WhereDidIGoWrong or #HasEveryoneLostTheirMind …most likely) So for the most part, no one knows - we just aren’t talking about it. I’ll just close my eyes, bow my head, and the storm will pass. I will come out the other side superior, and improved upon – like a mucky rock turned polished Kendra Scott gemstone.

But that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

Instead, I am choosing to live in the reality of these moments. I am accepting this is our life right now, and I will be happy when it is all over – but I will also be happy now. I am not going to wait until we are settled, or until there is resolution, to be happy. Grander earth has quaked before…it is well with my soul.

We are approaching 10 months since leaving our previous employer, ditching consumerism, beginning this spiritual revolution, turning our lives on a dime. I count these days like alcoholics tally their time spent on the wagon. We are almost 10 months sober. Here’s what I’ve learned:

• ·         Don’t let the opinions of others keep you from being you: happy and marvelous.
• ·         We are so easily brought to our knees. Pray while you’re down there.
• ·         Owning too many things is disruptive to living comfortably.
• ·         Simple is better.
• ·         Worrying accomplishes nothing. Do something better with your time.
• ·         Motivation, inspiration, perspective, and bathing – these things do not last. Seek them daily.
• ·         Receive the love someone gives to you, instead of being disappointed when it’s not the love you thought you needed.
• ·         I am not alone, in struggles or victories. Someone can always learn from the story.
• ·         Don’t expect others to consider you.
• ·         Stay flexible.
• ·         Trying to be normal will get in the way of being amazing.
• ·         Don’t place blame. It takes root in the heart, and you can find a better use for that space.
• ·         If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, you will always be disappointed in the fish.

Just trust in Jesus. 

Amen.

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What Am I Scared Of? Consider This A Lesson Learned.

We wandered around the empty rooms. Once cluttered and full, they sit hollow in front of us, smelling of paint and drywall and blankness. Places where our furniture once stood, now only recognizable by small dents in strands of carpet. Tiny finger prints on windows, shabby robes hung over bathroom hooks, muddy paw prints caked thick on smooth new concrete… These things do not live here anymore.

And neither do we.

Fresh paint, empty drywall. A clean page for this new family, an erased page of our own. This is so very weird to me.

.............................................................................................................................................

This afternoon, we officially signed the papers that closed one very big chapter of our lives. We sold our "big house" today.

So many emotions are flying around right now, the most prevalent of those being relief. I feel free. I feel lighter. I feel cleansed. If today was a text, my emojis would be airplanes, fireworks, sunshine and maybe a money bag. There is joy here, do not get me wrong.

But as with anything coming to an end, there is also nostalgia, some sadness, anxiety - maybe a little fear, if I'm being honest. This feels very…big. The quiet voices of fear are creeping in, suddenly not so quiet, as we sign these very official documents.

What if we are making a mistake?

What if we regret this?

But this is irrational thinking. We have chosen to live a life without regrets. Daily, we make it a point to look forward. Troy likes to ask me, when I get nervous or discouraged,

“What is the worst that can happen?”

That brings me back to reality. What is the worst that can happen? We miss the house – we can build it again. We miss having space – we can have it again. We miss the town – we can go there again. We are afraid of change – our lives will change again, and again, and again. We make mistakes daily, and eventually learn lessons. Lessons that change our habits, and eventually morph into convictions. We continue to grow. So this fear crawling over me is irrational. The more I type this, the more I can feel the truth of it sink in to my bones.

Fear of change is human nature, an instinct rooted in self-preservation. But there should be no fear here, to cloud the triumph that exists in following your heart. There should be no anxiety to sour the realization of a new freedom. There should only be humility, recognition, gratitude and hope. When we do set our eyes on the future, we will do so with confidence, faith and this newly learned lesson: Don’t think too hard about it. About your life, your plans, this time, or these roadblocks. Life can change in an instant. When it does, be confident in the beauty of today and the promise of a future…wherever it may take you.